Funny stories and stories from life

"Dude, how do you live in Moscow ?! I ran down the street here with everyone
forces, and everyone walked faster than me ... "

Spring, girls are blooming. Run as usual in the lobby
"Kievskaya-filevskaya" in the direction of the escalator to Koltsevaya. Front
a beautiful girl froze into the floor with a comb: powerful, like a sleek mare,
body, wheat, thick into my hand, a scythe flowing below the cast
hemispheres, chintz sarafan and post-war style handbag ...
While I was wondering which side to go around this model of the sculptor
Mukhina, a granny-with-a-cart fluttered from behind my back (always
wondered what strength wears them faster than a healthy 40-year-old uncle) and
stuck to the maiden, they say, daughter, is it not bad for you, maybe
validolchik?
The young lady, with great difficulty tearing her glass gaze away from those floating away from under
feet into the terrible depths of the steps, looked pitifully at grandmother and,
stretching out the words, she said in a lazy chesty bass:
- Babanya ... I'm Boyusa ...
Rescued in the end the girl. I held the cart, and granny is elusive, but
with a precise movement she forced the beauty to step on the miracle staircase.

Russia is still alive, ah! :)

Recently I am driving in a minibus, a weekday evening, everyone is tired, traffic jams. Then a young mother comes in with a son of 4-6 years old, they give way to her, she sits down, the son perches on his knees. Here they go one, two, three stops, the boy examines everything around - the upholstery of the chairs, the shop windows sweeping outside the window, the tired faces of fellow travelers, his mother's bag ... But the space of the minibus is limited, and he repeats his "route" - chairs, passengers, a window , then he looks up at mom, looks into her eyes and in a completely calm, I would even say, businesslike tone, says:
- So, Mom, I'm going to start whining.

During the summer I went to the country house past an abandoned construction site.

There, homeless people smashed old concrete slabs and took out rebar. Iron costs 6-8 rubles per kg. It's just hellish work for a penny. With such labor costs, you can earn much more. But they gradually dismantled the whole abandoned foundation of the structure 50 by 30 meters. What drives them? Free schedule or no tax deductions?

Talking on the phone:
“We need two girls for the evening, only beautiful ones, for 3 hours, how much will an hour cost? Yes, in suits, just like last time. Those who were there that week are not needed, they are somehow modest, but they need to be actively given. If they give it well, we will throw it on top. And certainly over 18, but not old or fat. In heels, of course. We will feed and drink, of course. Payment immediately. Just throw off the photo first. We agreed with the guards, everything is in order. "

So our marketer orders promoters for an urgent action, walking along the corridor of the business center.

I have been lusting since childhood. Everyone and always made fun of it - in kindergarten, classmates, classmates, girlfriends, parents, colleagues ...
I endured everything stoically. But when the letter "P" started to appear on my computer, I realized all the injustice of this world.

From the beginning of the week, hot water was turned off. In view of my great laziness, I vpadlu bother with crutches and heating water. And today, once again I climbed into the bathroom and tried to wash myself in cold water. I drench myself with water and yell, puffing and grunting in parallel. I hear a neighbor's voice from the lower floor: "You hear, a man washes in cold water and does not die. And you, like not a man, are fiddling with your basins."

Bastard cat

I have a cat that has reached puberty and a cat was delivered to her. And the cat, although very preoccupied with sex, is still a virgin and does not know what to do with an equally virgin friend. Either it will fit across it and twitch, then it strives to climb on its head (probably a Frenchman ...). He is so dissatisfied with the results of his attempts that their number has become minimal.

Here I am cleaning the room, and this couple finally reached some consensus and merged in ecstasy. I carry an armful of clothes and a belt stretches from this armful across the floor. Seeing this, the cat suddenly stops his honorable occupation and runs to play with the belt. The cat was SO surprised by the escape of the gentleman, that for the first time in my life I saw a really stunned look in an animal. Also, I suppose, I thought, what kind of bastards guys ...

A cat named Aurore from friends began to mark under the table in the kitchen. And the cat is beloved, smart, offending - no way. We bought a bottle of stench. They poured it in the kitchen, it helped. When the balloon ran out, for edification, Aurora was left empty under the table. It was since then, when a smart cat considered himself to be offended by something, he came into the kitchen, yelled at the balloon, pounded it with his paw and made a puddle in this place. There you are..!

Here, once again came home late after another "work day".
I asked my wife how her affairs were at work.
And I heard an enchanting phrase, completely in tune with my thoughts:
- Dear, if I tell you about all my current problems, and then you tell me about yours, then we will go to bed no earlier than three in the morning.

Love her.

I once met on the street with a friend. And he is just in the church several
i collected containers of holy water. We are sitting on a bench, talking. Summer, heat
we sip some little water. Just about to leave, he comes to us
bukharik.
- Are you Russian people?
- And then !!!
- Maybe then for pivasik?
- No, they just drank a liter of holy water. We just have nowhere to go.

You should have seen his face !!! But it was clear that he did not believe us.

I went to my Spanish bank to resolve any issues with my manager. Well, what kind of SMS-messages to send (this is not done through Internet banking, only with a manager), what credit cards to close (there is no point in using them in Spain) - in general, the usual turnover. We talked for about twenty minutes in Spanish: I was in shock, I never even looked into the dictionary (s).

We decided everything, we did everything, we say goodbye. Mendezher gets up, shakes my hand and speaks Spanish quite seriously: “Alex, I’ve even begun to understand your Russian”.

P.S. I immediately remember an old anecdote about a Parisian store, where a sign hung: "Here they understand that frenchthat you taught in school. "

I was told this story. I believe the narrator, while he is almost a participant. Came to his organization new employee... A rather young man, who retired from the army due to redundancy. It is not known where he served there, but in earnest he began to master the computer already at this job. According to the narrator, he was a smart man and learned everything quickly. Once he showed him the ability to view a photo of streets and specific houses. But, apparently, it would be better if he did not know this. It soon became known that he was divorcing his wife. It seems to be caught cheating. After everything had taken place, he himself told his teacher that the reason was a computer, specifically "Yandex". Looking at the photographs around his house, he saw a colleague at the entrance, standing in front of him with his wife. He once had something to do with his long business trip, where he spent more than two months.

The serious reason

I vouch for the truthfulness.

Somehow, out of a drunkenness, the father-in-law, the director of the plant, told an absolutely terrible story. A worker comes to the chief engineer and asks to let him go home. He naturally asks about the reason. The worker hesitates, huddles and says that it is very necessary. The engineer man is not evil, so he answers: "I will let you go, but I need to indicate the reason for the absence in the documents." He: "I cut off my finger with pneumoscisers."

The engineer almost died on the spot - an industrial accident. In short, an ambulance, naughty to heaven, etc. When the man was discharged, the labor protection commission came to the plant. The equipment works fine - you need to press two buttons at the same time for the scissors to work, so there are no free hands. They ask to show how he managed to be crippled. He calmly props up one button with a stick (it's quite common), lays down a sheet of metal and Cuts off the SECOND FINGER.

Then he swore that it was accidental, but the commission, regaining consciousness, closed the case.

Once we were driving to the dacha, it was light. Traveled in a traffic jam. The car that was driving in front did not have a stop. In the back seat were two boys, who at the right moment picked up a piece of cardboard that read "BRAKE". :)

At the beginning of the century, among the "golden youth" there was a fashion at nights on daddy's Mercedes and Beamers to stray into Caudles and smear rubber on the asphalt of deserted squares and terminal stops. Compared to masterful cinematic drifting, translating daddy's tires in front of chicks looked pathetic and very childish, but self-criticism was never the strong point of the majors.

Yesterday I go from the last metro train in the direction of my wilderness. Absolutely empty street, bus turning area. On it ... I want to say - silently, but no, of course - with a roar of the engine and sighs of brakes, the KAMAZ sprinkler is dancing. Not a soul around, only two powerful fountains of water (both watering cans are raised vertically upwards) sparkle with diamonds in the yellow light of lanterns that sometimes break through clouds of diesel smoke. My uncle is dancing masterly, I somehow even imagined an invisible partner, whom he leads under the waterfalls of his rain. (Kamazihu, yeah ...)

I stood and looked for about five minutes, probably. He lit a cigarette. Seeing the light of the lighter and me, the driver somehow faded, plunged into a dull real. I got out of the cab, flipped the watering cans down and popped to clean the street ...

There were no tire marks on the asphalt. He glided over the water.
(Not mine. Found on the internet)

FREUDIAN SLIP
In the car dealership there is a citizen, his appearance is already quite ordinary for Moscow time - even now on the poster of an extremist organization banned in the Russian Federation. Nearby is the spouse wrapped in a rug. Near the budget standard foreign cars are pushed. Asks the manager - Does she have this, SELF-PODRYV? As it turned out, it was about remote engine start.

WHERE DOES THE LIPPER TRAIL LEAD ...
On Saturday night, when my wife came home from work, she found traces of lipstick on her cup.
Asks me a question:
- Have we had guests?
- No, - I say, - there was nobody.
- I don't use that lipstick ...
Word for word. Scandal and accusations of all mortal sins.
The next day, after conducting thorough inquiries, it turned out that the nine-year-old daughter had found her mother's lipstick, bought long ago and now safely forgotten, and drank tea from her mother's mug.

I remember this day. October 1, 1990. Mom gave me a ticket to the Crimea, and all September we with boys from all over our huge homeland tumbled into the sea. Everyone spoke Russian, even Vitalik Tsitsialashvilli from Navoi. Evpatoria, the sun, did you know how? Breakfast, second breakfast, afternoon tea, lunch, dinner, dinner. Every morning we went out in white shirts and pioneer ties to the formation. The most distinguished one raised the banner to the anthem. It was wonderful! And then the day came ... October 1 ... We were awakened by the pioneers at about 12 o'clock at night. Drunk. And they said that there was no need to go to the line tomorrow, the pioneers were gone. I was twelve, I thought more about the death of Tsoi than about the beginning of the end of a huge country. And that these guys from Kazakhstan or Georgia, who are next to me, will become foreigners in a year ... The next morning we came. On the ruler. In white shirts and red ties. They stood in silence for ten minutes. But the counselors never came out, and no one raised the banner.

I temporarily live in Moscow and had to take a taxi at night. I caught a private trader, drove a kilometer at most, and asked the price. He says: "1,700 rubles." Well, I am naturally fucking!
I tell him:
- It's easier for me to throw you ...
And ... woke up.
P.S. I lie, laughing: I threw him well!

Quite a long time ago, it is possible and now there is such, but I have not seen it for a long time. I'm in a taxi, there is a huge puddle ahead. Along the puddle stands punks, in boots, in jackets. The taxi driver is accelerating. I told him:
- You, damn it, are splashing children now!
- Yes, they are standing here on purpose, waiting to be sprayed. They have, like, a game like that. This is not the first time I have passed here.
We pass a puddle at speed, spray like from a cannon. I look back. Judging by the behavior, no one is upset. I remembered my childhood: puddles, homemade rafts, “recruited” boots, dirty water ...
Now I’m thinking: maybe it’s really better, and not like now - sitting in front of a monitor on the internet?

I cannot vouch for the accuracy of the story, her brother said from the words of his friends.
They decided to visit a new-fashioned water park in the neighboring area. They hammered his address into the navigator and drove away. When the navigator lady reported "You have arrived at your destination," the friends looked around in confusion. There were only private buildings around.
When a passerby asked "Where is the water park here," he giggled in a strange and nervous way and waved his hand towards a banner on which was written in huge letters "AQUAPARK IS NOT HERE !!!"

Feminine ...
A traffic cop stops me.
- "Lieutenant so and so. Why not buckled up?"
- "Yes, I, mister policeman, just - just unfastened - to fix the balls."
A storm of emotions swept through the officer's face, the rights fell out of the hands of the body bent in half, which, going into a fit of hysterical laughter, trying to show, they say, go faster.
For a long time I sincerely wondered why everyone was laughing at this story, but I really straightened the eggs lying in the back seat ...

After moving to Germany, many immigrants from Kazakhstan left many good friends from their work colleagues in their former homeland. My cousin and his wife helped their good friends for several years with money and parcels, supporting their existence. Imagine his surprise, rather even shock, when friends called and said that they were going to visit Germany in order to buy a Mercedes car. The car was supposed to be no more than 5 years old and then cost from 5 to 7 thousand marks.

An uncle came to other relatives with a list of things that he wanted to buy in Germany, and opposite each item was the name of the relative who had to pay for the purchase.

At the Frankfurt airport, the nephew of the daughter-in-law from Kazakhstan was met. He walked with a small plastic bagwhich had one toothbrush. It was all his luggage, which he took with him, and went to visit for a whole month, he did not even take his underpants with him.

I have a friend, a whimsical guy and frostbitten at all 100 - preamble.

We are driving in my car around Kharkov, looking for a house under a specific number, and we are driving along the Poltava Way (who knows, he will understand) after the bridge there are cops, I think I'll park and ask where the house number is so ... I slow down next to the young cop and the other a little in to the side and further down the street on the mobile, actively flutter ... well, I opened the passenger window and through Dryuya I ask like Where is this street where is this house ... he is trying to explain something there, but moves out that the starchy knows better ... the one who on the phone p ... dit ... we get to him and I do not have time to ask, so my friend gives out the window - hears the captain, the young man has no change from a hundred, he looked in his pockets without ceasing to speak, took out a fifty dollar, unfastened, Dryulya took it and we went ... then I went around this road for a week ...

I don't even know if it's good or not.

I'm on the subway. Something female enters the car, but of a homeless appearance and a corresponding smell. Half a wagon shies away from her like the plague; a woman comes up to her, hands her a hundred and asks to get out of the car. And then my business plan matured ...

Dad came home from work, frozen. Feels unwell. In connection with the commotion over the flu, I decided to measure the temperature.
- 36.8. Oh, I'm the sickest person in the world. I need a can of jam and a tiny little bottle of cognac.

The first time I felt like a driver was not when I stopped dripping with cold sweat from the mere thought that there was a car waiting for me in the parking lot.
And not when he started to put on the brakes while in the passenger seat.
And not even when he began to chuckle in the direction of "dummies" and "summer residents" and contemptuously call them "deer".
And I became a driver at the moment when I was walking down the street, heard a noise from behind, completely automatically raised my eyes to look in the rear-view mirror and was shocked that the mirror was not there.

The father left the family about a year after the birth of his daughter. Before that, we lived together for another year. For me, my husband's departure was a real shock. There were no scandals in our family. But my husband just took it and left. On Friday evening, after work, he came home with a friend. A friend was waiting for him in the car. My husband came home and said that he was leaving me. He began to collect things. I was sitting with my daughter on the couch and could not believe in the reality of what was happening. I could not watch my husband shovel his clothes into bags. I took my daughter and went with her to the kitchen. It was just necessary to feed the child.

I decided to write here in order to convey to people not only my position, but also the position of many doctors. Many patients are sure that doctors are indifferent to human life, feelings, suffering. As if the profession suppresses everything human in doctors and as if we are not capable of compassion. This is not true.

We lived with my wife for 10 years. But a year ago, scandals began. As if we are fulfilling some kind of plan: every month we swear a couple of times. The last time it was like that at all ... Take your wife, and tell me: "You can roll out of the family, but the children are not yours at all." If you don't know how to make a person disgusting, then say that the children you love are not from him.

Good day. Live in Australia for 5 recent years... I myself am originally from Ukraine. My hometown is Chernivtsi. For a long time I was looking for a country to move. I think it's worth telling what prompted me to move.

First, I was looking for a country where I can raise children and be sure that tomorrow everything will not go to hell. Secondly, I was simply desperate to find a normal job in Chernivtsi. Many of my friends went to work in neighboring Poland. I didn't want to work around the clock in greenhouses or on some mushroom farm, and in the end get a little more than I would have earned in Ukraine.

At first I wanted to indicate my brother's first and last name, but he would not let me. Ashamed of him. Therefore, I will write this way. This story is primarily directed to people who believe that there will be nothing bright and good in their life.

Lived all my life in Voronezh region... Raised three children. Now I am 58 years old. I don't seem to feel like an old woman, I try not to attach importance to sores, chronic fatigue. But I feel that in just a few more years I will completely surrender my position.

My classmates called me Dylda in high school. At the age of 16, I was already 195 cm tall. I did not play basketball or volleyball. Apparently, because of good food or radiation, it was so big. At first, they called them names on the sly, and then openly called them dildo. I hated my classmates. The tallest guy in our class did not even reach 190 cm.

All my life I worked at one large site. We used to have print edition... Now only the sites remain.

Most of our people are on the staff, but there are also remote workers (mainly designers, sysadmins and a few copywriters, they recently began to attract programmers). All remote workers work after the fact: they have completed a certain amount of work at the agreed rate - at the end of the month we send money to an electronic wallet or card.

Laughter decorates our life and makes it brighter and more interesting. Laugh, rejoice, in real life let it be more unrealistic funny. Let's laugh "very" together!

"About how the child helped mom lose weight"

Someone inadvertently hinted to Jeanne that it was time for her to lose ten kilograms. The woman came upset, sad, tear-stained. Without explaining anything to the family, she locked herself in the kitchen and began making her favorite chocolate donuts to soothe her sadness. She always did this when trouble fell on her head.

Three hours passed. Zhanna Eduardovna never left the kitchen. The husband and four-year-old son, seriously worried about the fate of the woman, nevertheless decided to approach her. My wife-mother slowly ate the burnt donuts. Next to her was a piece of paper on which the following was written in large letters: "I want to force myself not to eat anything in order to lose weight!" The boy, having clarified with his dad what was written, went to his room and did not listen to adult conversations.

The next day, the mother of the family returned from work just as sad. Remembering to cook something for dinner, she went to the refrigerator. Suddenly four-year-old Vitalik ran in, turned off the refrigerator from the socket and ran away.

Why did you do this? - Jeanne asked in surprise.

To spoil the food, and you change your mind about eating them! - the son proudly answered his mother.

Just think about it! The kid turned out to be smarter than a thousand adult ladies who did not know that their overweight problem is solved so easily!

Loneliness is a bad habit

The lonely woman was awakened by the persistent doorbell. She slowly went to open it, albeit with great reluctance.

Who is behind the door? She asked in a half-asleep voice.

Plumbers, mistress! The batteries have come to feel!

The woman did not like the answer at all. She had hoped that they would feel her! After all, she so lacked male warmth! The woman grabbed a cigarette, a lighter, went to the peephole and shouted loudly:

Feel your batteries! I will manage mine myself!

Short funny stories

"Passenger from a fairy tale"

It was evening. A girl was riding in the train, diligently solving crosswords. A man sat next to her and watched her intently. Noticing that his fellow traveler's gaze was stuck on one of the questions, he politely asked:

Girl, can I help you with something?

What is the name of what helped Baba Yaga manage vehicle? - answered the girl with a question to a question.

Pomelo! - answered the man without thinking.

The girl looked at her “prompter” in surprise and after three minutes asked:

How do you know?

I am a close relative of this grandmother! I know a lot about her!

The passengers who heard this phrase rolled with laughter. Each of them, most likely, presented themselves as some kind of fairytale hero.

Men are to blame for everything!

Husband and wife are walking through the hypermarket. The wife tells something inspired, and the husband pays absolutely no attention to her. The woman was hurt. She asked her faithful to appreciate her trick: she chose an empty space, accelerated, made a spectacular jump .... And it turned out to be filled with various goods. People started to come running, take pictures of the "acrobat", applaud her. And she, pushing in different directions everything that fell on her, tried to find a broken nail with rhinestones. Thus ended the unsuccessful jump over the shopping cart. We should put a traffic controller in the middle trading floor! In stores, he will also not be superfluous!

Real funny life stories

"Revenge of the alarm clock"

The woman returned from work three hours later than usual. Her only dream was to sleep well. She undressed, took off her pants (along with her tights) and randomly placed them on the bottom shelf of the closet. Sveta took a shower and went to a comfortable bed, breaking the tradition of drinking tea.

Morning came incredibly quickly, completely obeying the law of meanness. The tired woman, who for a few seconds hated the alarm clock, abruptly threw it into the next wall of the room. An inner voice made her get up and go to the bath. Gathering, she decided to wear yesterday's pants. The woman did not find the old tights, so she took out others so as not to waste time looking for things.

Svetlana put on trousers, completely oblivious to the fact that they were wearing second tights, drank coffee and ran to work. Fortunately, she was not a minute late. And the day would have passed wonderfully, if not for one circumstance…. Yesterday's tights slipped out of their trousers and began to "sweep" the floor, collecting papers and all kinds of rubbish. Colleagues saw this, but kept silent so as not to offend the employee. Ten minutes later, one of the colleagues gave out a ringing laugh. Sveta turned around. A colleague, continuing to laugh, went up to Svetlana, picked up a "pantyhose train" from the floor and said with a smile: "You dropped it." Now Svetlana does not wear these tights. She made a funny doll out of them, which reminds her every morning that the alarm clock must be treated with respect.

Funny banana wisdom

In the hallway of the hostel, two students collided. An interesting conversation began:

What did you fry in the kitchen yesterday? - asked one of them, looking curiously into the eyes of the other.

Bananas! The second answered happily.

Is there any point in frying them if they are already delicious?

Tell me honestly: I look so much like a monkey that I have to eat my favorite treat raw ?!

How the switch became the enemy

The newlyweds went to a luxurious bed and covered themselves with a large silk blanket.

I love you so much, my dear… .- gently whispered the newly-made wife.

And I love you. Shine….

What kind of Light am I to you? - Olga cried out in frustration and painfully hit her husband on the cheek.

So, on their wedding night, a real conjugal misunderstanding was born…. The man only asked to turn off the light, which treacherously blinded them.